Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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