We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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