Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
