just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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