Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
