mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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