do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
