My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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