just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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