Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
