you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
