Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
