If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
