Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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