how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
