Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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