Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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