You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
