i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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