i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
