my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
