Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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