Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
