It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
