My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
