they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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