I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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