Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
