Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
