My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
