I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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