I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
