and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
