you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
