I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
