So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
