Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
