I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
