I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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