Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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