On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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