Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Too much gin, very little bucket
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
