I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
