My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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