Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
