Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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