It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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