Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
