I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
