Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
