Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
