i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
